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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23166607">settle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz'>tkreyesevandiaz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>settle [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck needs a hug, Caring Eddie Diaz, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Descriptions of Anxiety, Descriptions of Panic, Don't Have to Know Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Gen, Hugs, Intimacy, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Pre-Relationship, Protective Eddie Diaz, Sleepy Cuddles, Trigger Warnings, Worried Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:01:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,894</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23166607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His exhaustion made him feel like the weight of the sky was on his shoulders; he needed a way to channel all of that into a healthy outlet. </p><p>To him, he wasn’t sure if that outlet or safe space was his apartment or not, but there really wasn’t anywhere else to go. So, that’s why, after his shift was over, he sluggishly dragged himself out of the station towards his car.</p><p>What he didn’t anticipate was Eddie calling out behind him. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Christopher Diaz &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>settle [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668661</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>641</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>settle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey! </p><p>Okay, before we get into this, <strong>PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE TAGS.</strong> I've written them below too.</p><p>TW: descriptions of anxiety, lingering anxiety, descriptions of panic.</p><p>There is NO suicide ideation, nor any mentions of death in this fic.</p><p>If I miss anything, please let me know. If this fic isn't for you, please don't read it! Stay safe!</p><p>Also, I have modeled this entire fic's descriptors off my own experiences of anxiety, and it's a product of my anxiety from this week. Please don't invalidate anyone's experiences with their mental health! Be kind :) </p><p>Big thank you to Aisha and Sarah for reading this over for me! &lt;3 </p><p>I hope the words I wrote here may help anyone else that needs a little support!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was just one of those nights. </p><p>A quiet, unsteady buzz settled itself under Buck’s skin, impenetrable by anything calm. He wasn’t quite sure what exactly triggered the lingering anxiety; perhaps it was a culmination of things. A product of too many days spent swallowing all his negativity in face of on-the-surface happiness.</p><p>It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy. It really wasn’t. Buck wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t unhappiness. He knew unhappiness; this wasn’t it. </p><p>This particular night had him wanting to thrum out of his own body, though he wasn’t sure what the next step after that was. His heart was beating faster than normal, fluttering impatiently at odd minutes of the hour. To be honest with himself, maybe it was just an overload of everything around him. He needed to take a step back, back into his safe space. His exhaustion made him feel like the weight of the sky was on his shoulders; he needed a way to channel all of that into a healthy outlet. </p><p>To him, he wasn’t sure if that outlet or safe space was his apartment or not, but there really wasn’t anywhere else to go. So, that’s why, after his shift was over, he sluggishly dragged himself out of the station towards his car.</p><p>What he didn’t anticipate was Eddie calling out behind him. </p><p>Buck turned and hummed in response, watching as his best friend’s face lit up with a lopsided grin. </p><p>“Hey, you coming home with me tonight?” </p><p>“Tonight?” </p><p>A crease formed between Eddie’s brows; it wasn’t like Buck to forget a night he and Christopher had specifically planned together. </p><p>That’s when Eddie took a closer look at him. His face was slightly drawn and the normal excited hue that usually lit up his blue eyes was absent. The corners of his mouth were pinched in exhaustion. Buck looked...lost. </p><p>Just like he had all week.</p><p>Now if he’d been a better person, he would’ve told Buck to go home and rest up. But somehow, he got the feeling that Buck didn’t really want to be at his apartment right now. </p><p>“Yeah, you and Chris planned to watch TV together today, remember?” Buck’s eyes widened in remembrance, an apology already on his tongue. Eddie soundlessly waved it off and told him to meet him at home.</p><p>It really wasn’t that he was going to bombard Buck with a hyper, excited nine-year-old. Before he pulled out of the station, he called Carla and asked to speak to Christopher. His son took everything in stride, heeding Eddie’s warning about Buck needing more cuddles and love and less noise. The thought made him smile.</p><p>Eddie just knew, from the way Buck’s smile always dimmed when it was time to leave, that he despised his empty apartment. He wasn’t about to send the man back there; not when he looked so alone. The only silver-lining to this was that Buck wasn’t dissociating; his eyes had been wide with a weary edginess, but they’d been alert. Nevertheless, he needed someone to look after him, and Eddie wanted to be that person.</p><p>It was times like this that Eddie wished he had the freedom to touch Buck freely, press his hands on his shoulders to ground him without laying himself out bare in the process. He didn’t know how to dim down his love for Buck, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted Buck to know how brightly Eddie loved him. </p><p>Not in this precise moment, anyway. </p>
<hr/><p>Buck pulled his Jeep into the space right behind Eddie’s truck, having picked up a few colouring books for Chris on his way. For a minute, he just sat outside in the vehicle, looking at the porch rail and trying to will his anxiety down to a barely-noticeable simmer. </p><p>His mind’s gravity felt off-kilter, as if there was a missing piece that rocked the boat of his sanity. He didn’t feel like he was seeing things from an out-of-body perspective, nor did he feel like he wasn’t present in the moment. Just a nagging feeling that something was missing, or something wasn’t fitting right.</p><p>The front door opened just as Buck was stepping out, a silhouette of his best friend leaning against the frame. Eddie had changed into his favourite long-sleeve shirt and pajama pants. Whatever product had been in his hair had been washed out and the strands flopped lazily on his forehead. Eddie looked softly at Buck, beckoning him in with nothing more than a smile.</p><p>There was worry, yes but Eddie’s eyes held more silent support than anything else. Buck managed a tiny smile as he walked up to the porch, the smile growing as he heard Chris’ crutches behind his dad.</p><p>“Buck!” Chris threw himself into Buck’s arms as soon as he sidestepped Eddie, who laughed quietly at his son’s enthusiasm. </p><p>Buck knelt down and held Christopher a little tighter than normal, the colouring books scattering to the ground in the process. Naturally, the boy must’ve sensed something because his grip was tighter than normal too. </p><p>Instead of his usual mile-a-minute chatter, Christopher led Buck inside with a beaming smile, staying silent. Buck looked up at Eddie, still finding the man looking at him, his head tilted to watch Buck and Christopher go inside.</p><p>Somehow, Buck knew that Eddie was the reason Christopher was being so careful today. Not that the boy’s enthusiasm had been dimmed, nor was it that he wasn’t just as excited to see him. The kid had changed his tactics to make Buck feel better.</p><p>Buck felt his throat tighten at their consideration but he stayed quiet as him and Christopher took a seat on the floor in front of the couch. Worksheets were spread on the coffee table.</p><p>“I’m finishing my homework,” Christopher informed him. “Daddy says we’re going to eat dinner first and then we can watch TV. We have to decide what movie to watch on Friday too.”</p><p>“Well, between Mulan and Zootopia, what do you feel like watching?” His voice felt thin and raw in his throat as he asked the question. Friday nights were their movie nights, a night Buck looked forward to all week. He’d much rather be sitting on the couch with Eddie and Christopher than go out with anyone any day of the week.</p><p>“Zootopia!” Chris said excitedly, bringing a genuine grin to Buck’s face. He ruffled the kid’s hair as Chris turned his focus back to the math problems in front of him. Buck watched the fourth-grader say the numbers to himself as he filled in the answers on the worksheet with utmost care. </p><p>A nudge on his back brought Buck’s attention to his friend. Buck looked up to find Eddie moving to sit on the couch directly behind him. He gently brought Buck back into the space between his legs.</p><p>“Eddie-” Buck went to protest but Eddie hushed him as he began to dig his thumbs into the beyond-tense muscles of Buck’s neck.</p><p>“How much weight have you been carrying on your shoulders, Buck?” Eddie asked quietly. The heat spreading across the thin skin told Buck that Eddie was using Deep Heat to work the tight muscles.</p><p>“You don’t have to do this, Eddie,” Buck replied, watching Christopher hum happily. He groaned as a knot loosened, his anxiety simmering down from the warmth of Eddie’s hands. He hadn’t realized how much tension he’d been carrying in his physical stance.</p><p>“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Is that okay?”</p><p>Buck stayed silent, reaching up to tap Eddie’s hand in gratitude. He closed his eyes and let himself lean back against his friend. In his entire life, not even Maddie had gone so out of her way to help him get the controls back. Buck loved her, but she’d been so busy with her own life that she hadn’t spared more than a cursory thought for her little brother. </p><p>But here Eddie and Christopher were, adapting everything they normally did to make Buck comfortable, even when he himself didn’t understand what was wrong with him. He didn’t think it was possible to love the Diaz boys more than he already did, but evidently, it was. </p><p>The three of them sat in comfortable domesticity for a while, Buck relaxing slightly with every press of Eddie’s hands and fingers against his neck. The bubble of uneasy panic in his chest was still there but his mind had finally understood that he was in a safe space.</p><p>“I’m going to get dinner ready, five minutes, okay?” Eddie’s words jerked Buck awake where apparently he’d been drifting off. “Buck?”</p><p>He scrubbed his hands down his face and turned to look at Eddie. The look on the older man’s face made his heart hurt; he hated making Eddie worry about him. “Yeah, I’ll come help you.”</p><p>“No, don’t worry, sit with Chris.” He tapped Buck’s shoulder reassuringly.</p><p>“Okay Dad! I’m almost done. Can we watch TV after that?”</p><p>“If you finish all your vegetables,” Eddie said in a sing-song tone, pulling a laugh from both Buck and Chris. He looked inordinately pleased with himself as he stood and moved carefully from behind Buck.</p><p>Buck stood up and told Chris he was going to the bathroom. Once he’d locked himself in the small room, all pretenses were off. He splashed cold water on his face, cooling down the heated skin on the back of his neck. </p><p>Sighing to himself, Buck stood in front of the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror. </p><p>He looked so <em> exhausted. </em>Dark smudges took up residence under his eyes, a product of not sleeping well all week. His mouth was set in a brutal slash, vivid in his pale face. His eyes looked large and bleak in his face. His forehead was creased lightly and his cheeks looked gaunt under the harsh light. Had he been losing weight?</p><p>It was a miracle that he didn’t scare off anyone looking like death warmed over.</p><p>It frustrated him to not be able to rein in how negative he was feeling. Buck had such a good thing going for him, with Eddie and Christopher caring for him the whole way. He wanted to let them know how much he appreciated them, but wasn’t able to work through the muddled threads of his mind. </p><p>He hung his head as he fought for control, grappling his anxiety and locking it into a box. It didn’t help the restlessness that set up a tremble in his fingers, but at least it wasn’t as noticeable anymore.</p><p>Hearing Christopher’s crutches coming down the hall, Buck smiled and opened the door, looking down at the boy who’d just been about to knock. Chris’ smile was like the sun, warming Buck all over.</p><p>“Dinner’s ready, let’s go!” </p><p>There were a lot of things Buck loved that Eddie cooked, but his pasta casserole was by-far Buck’s favourite. Even if he didn’t have much of an appetite today.</p><p>That was what was waiting for them on the table as Christopher and Buck entered the kitchen. They took their seats at the table just as Eddie set plates piled high with pasta and vegetables in front of them.</p><p>“We’re finishing all of them,” the older man reiterated to both Buck and Christopher with a warning eye.</p><p>“Yes, Dad,” Buck and Christopher echoed in unison, just like they always did. Eddie chuckled and sat down.</p><p>Christopher took hold of the conversation once they dug in, telling them about everything he did in school today. Buck played with his food more than he actually ate it, but once he saw Chris watching him, he forced himself to finish his plate. He tried to keep his focus on the child who was now telling him about a boy who’d thrown up today after a video about snails.</p><p>Once they finished dinner, Eddie sent Christopher to get ready for bed as Buck got up to clear the table. Him and Eddie worked in companionable silence, quickly getting everything put away.</p><p>“Sit, I’ll be right back.” Eddie left the kitchen, leaving Buck to lower himself back into his chair. From his perch at the dining table, he could see a large picture of him, Christopher and Eddie framed by one of those handmade cardboard frames that everyone made in elementary school. </p><p>Buck had teared up the first time he saw it, especially after he saw the words Christopher had written at the bottom.</p><p>
  <em> My Family </em>
</p><p>Eddie had simply smiled and shrugged, deeming it to be right. Since then, the three of them had banded together into a unit, Buck and Eddie trading off responsibilities to minimize the strain on them. Until today, though, Buck hadn’t realized how much he’d come to depend on their unconventional family unit. Buck kept his gaze fixed on the photo, roaming over the sparkling smiles and twinkles in their eyes. </p><p>“You wanna talk about it?” His best friend’s voice behind him startled him out of his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed Eddie had come back, but now he could feel the weight of his concerned gaze on him like a brand.</p><p>As Eddie’s hands came to rest gently but firmly on his shoulders, Buck threw all caution to the wind and turned in his chair, bringing his arms to wrap around Eddie’s waist tightly. His face pressed into the heat of Eddie’s torso, just breathing the man in. His body felt cold to the touch, as if he'd never be warm again.</p><p>If Eddie was surprised by Buck’s blatant display of vulnerability, he didn’t show it. Instead, his arms slid forward to hold Buck securely against him, engulfing the younger man in his scent. </p><p>It was this familiarity that broke open Buck’s heart, and suddenly, all the anxiety and lingering panic he’d been burying all day flooded out. </p><p>It started out with a few trembles but progressed into hard sobs that wracked his body. Buck turned his face into the crook of Eddie’s elbow as his shoulders shook with the force of his cries. His breathing sounded ragged, muffled against the fabric of Eddie’s shirt. Distantly, he registered Eddie’s slender fingers combing through his hair, his low voice speaking words of comfort where he’d leaned down to rest his chin on Buck’s head.</p><p>Buck wasn’t sure why he was crying. Maybe it had been a long time coming, and being embraced so wholeheartedly by Eddie had been the last straw. Whatever it was, Buck had finally broken into a million little pieces, scattering in his best friend’s grip.</p><p>Eddie, true to his nature, just let him cry it out, making sure to keep his forearms pressed to the side of Buck’s head firmly to ground him as his fingers worked through blond strands. With that simple action, he put Buck together, piece-by-piece until he was whole again. </p><p>When the tremors lessened, easing down to a few sniffles and ragged breathing, Buck tried to pull away, now fully embarrassed at his meltdown. He’d definitely left a damp spot on Eddie’s shirt that was gross and he was sure that he looked monstrous now, nose running, eyes red and face flushed.</p><p>Surprisingly, Eddie didn’t let him move away. He held Buck a little tighter, wholly content to keep running his fingers through Buck’s hair. After a few minutes, Buck gave up trying to move away and clung to his best friend like a lifeline.  </p><p>Eddie was the only one who could make Buck feel at home. As Buck breathed in his clean scent, he felt most of the anxiety ebbing from his skin, leaving a faint trace behind. </p><p>They stayed like that for a while before Buck finally spoke. “I don’t know what’s wrong.” His voice was hoarse, tearing at the inside of his throat. His face felt hot from the exertion of a rigorous cry. “I’ve been so anxious all week, and I can’t figure out what it was.” He was still speaking into Eddie’s shirt, eyes slipping closed as he felt the tension bleed from his stance. The older man didn’t relinquish his hold, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder.</p><p>“Did something trigger you?”</p><p>“I don’t think so, I’m not sure,” Buck answered tiredly. Miraculously, most of the calls they’d had at work this week were easy ones, and they hadn’t lost anyone either. “I’ve been talking to Frank, too. I just can’t figure it out.”</p><p>Eddie hummed, smoothing a large hand over the tufts of blond hair. “How do you feel right now?”</p><p>He took a moment to answer, sorting through his tired mind to find a sufficient enough word. The warmth of Eddie’s body and the weariness weighing his bones had him wanting to fall asleep right where he was.</p><p>“Safe.” The answer was honest in a way Buck didn’t expect himself to admit out loud. He felt Eddie freeze and his grip on Buck tighten.</p><p>Forcing himself to pull back, Buck slid his arms back down to his sides to train bloodshot, puffy eyes on Eddie who was still holding him like he was precious. The warm, reverent look on his face stilled Buck’s mind. With that one word, they’d tumbled straight over the line they’d been skirting over for months.</p><p>“You are always safe here, Evan,” Eddie said quietly, one hand gently pushing Buck’s hair back from his warm forehead. This was intimate in a way that nothing else could be. Even if Buck was the one who’d just cried, both of them were vulnerable in front of each other, silently confessing everything they’d kept secret.</p><p>Eddie was finally letting Buck read everything he’d kept buried, and Buck was no different. The two of them had gravitated to each other from day one, no matter the rough start. Though, Buck wouldn’t have imagined in a thousand years that he’d get to have <em> this. </em> A package deal of Eddie and Christopher’s love in exchange for Buck’s. </p><p>Eddie leaned down to kiss Buck’s forehead. “Don’t overthink it. We can talk later but for now let’s go watch whatever Christopher’s put on TV.” He tugged Buck out of his chair, placing a hand at the small of Buck’s back to ground him.</p><p>Christopher was now colouring in one of the books Buck had bought while they waited, a cartoon about a sponge and a starfish playing on the TV behind him.</p><p>As he settled on the sofa, Eddie slung an arm around him while Christopher abandoned his masterpiece to climb up onto the sofa, curling in closely to Buck’s side. Buck smiled at the boy in the crook of his body and pulled Christopher closer so he could rake his fingers through the wayward curls.</p><p>It really only took 15 minutes of that before Christopher was fast asleep, snoring softly against Buck’s side. Despite himself, Buck laughed quietly at how quickly he’d fallen asleep. The thought made him feel more at peace with himself.</p><p>“Here, I’ll take him in,” Eddie whispered. Buck shook his head and gently picked Christopher up.</p><p>“I’ve got it.” The two men went down the hallway to settle Christopher into his bed, setting his glasses down on the bedside table and pulling the covers over him. Buck sat at his side for a while before pressing a light kiss and a hushed murmur of “I love you” to his temple. </p><p>“Buck.” Eddie caught his arm just as Buck turned into the living room, intending to set up shop on the sofa. “Come to my room tonight?”</p><p>Buck searched his friend’s eyes, finding only an earnest plea and another confirmation of Eddie’s care for him. “I might have a nightmare tonight, I don’t want to wake you up.”</p><p>“All the more reason to sleep with me. Come on,” Eddie beckoned softly, gently pulling Buck in the direction of the master bedroom.</p><p>“Eddie, I don’t know how to thank you enough, I-” Buck broke off, not knowing how to put all of his appreciation into words that would symbolize the magnitude of his gratitude. As it turned out, he didn’t need to.</p><p>“Shh, I know. It’s okay. Why don’t you go get changed for bed? I’ll wait for you here.” The older man smiled and pressed a pair of sweatpants and an old shirt in his hands, looking steadily at him with warm eyes. Buck looked down at the clothes before lunging to wrap his best friend into a bear hug.</p><p>Eddie startled back but held on just as tightly. “Thank you, Eddie. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you two.”</p><p>“We don’t know what we’d do without you either.” Buck could feel Eddie’s lips curve into a blinding grin. “Go change, I’m tired.” As if on cue, Eddie yawned and pushed Buck towards the bathroom.</p><p>When Buck came back, now clad in clothes that smelled like Eddie, he slipped into the empty side of the bed. Immediately, Eddie reached out and pulled Buck back into his body.</p><p>“Is this okay?” Eddie asked, his fingers tracing the cursive letters of the Michelangelo quote on his forearm. </p><p>
  <em> I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. </em>
</p><p>For a second, Buck wanted to bolt at the sheer, naked intimacy that had surrounded them ever since his breakdown at the dining table. But then again, this was Eddie. There was no safer space.</p><p>Instead of offering a verbal response, Buck turned in the circle of Eddie’s arms, moving closer to bury his face in the space Eddie’s chest and shoulder met. Without missing a beat, Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck and let out a sigh of content.</p><p>Just as Buck was about to succumb to the comfort Eddie’s body so freely offered, he heard him speak.</p><p>“You know, you’ve been so focused on trying to find a reason for feeling so anxious today, but the truth is, sometimes there isn’t a reason. Sure, there are patterns of anxiety and panic but not everything in life can be justified; sometimes, you just have to take a step back.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Maybe something earlier in the week had unconsciously triggered you, or maybe not. Whatever it is, you feeling like this is valid. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel like you have to give yourself a concrete explanation.”</p><p>As he felt Eddie’s chest rumble with the words, Buck mulled over them in his head and realized how true they were. He’d been tying himself up in knots all week trying to figure it out, but he should’ve been more focused on grounding himself and trying to breathe through it.</p><p>“Thank you,” Buck whispered, arms tightening where they were lazily clutching at Eddie’s shirt.</p><p>As Eddie dropped another kiss against his hair, Buck let himself turn over to sleep. The buzzing under his skin had finally stopped, his mind was quiet and he’d found his center of balance. Now, he was just exhausted from being mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. His body felt like it’d been put through the wringer but he was finally at peace with himself.</p><p>He listened to Eddie’s heartbeat as he drifted off, a serene smile on his face. This was their way of saying “I love you” without the words, and hell, Buck was more than okay with it.</p><p>He was loved, and he was okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you're struggling with your mental health, please do talk to someone! Stay safe y'all, I love you all!</p><p>Let me know if you want one of these for Eddie! :D</p><p>You can find me on Tumblr at <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd">zeethebooknerd</a> or on Twitter at <a href="https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz">tkreyesevandiaz</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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